the precisely smooth and jagged edges. metallic warmth you feel, cool and well balanced in your hand. you wield it about and it obeys your every thrust, every stroke, as you slice the air into thin strips, as though you were slashing the transparent coloured gas as you trace your fingers round the perimeter.
it is unyielding and yet obedient. it is bestial and cruel yet offers protection when held in different kinds of hearts. you know how your mom pulls out her sympathy wildcard and wails to you over the phone how we should study as hard as we can to attain the ever achievable enlightenment of academic scriptures while they (your parents) slog on day and night to provide food and bed and warmth for the household. why have you heard this before? when? oh yes.. you recall.. it was only just yesterday you've heard the same old story. and in the knife twists into your heart from the back, gorging on flesh and wrenching further and further till it reaches your heart.. someday.
i'm not talking about back stabbers here who drive their choppers well deep into your spine till it is immersed in blood. i'm talking about people who say things that unconsciously punches in knife after knife and you wince to hear them speak the same cliched thing over and over again. they have that emotional blackmail, and you know it. you walk around with that knife stuck at the base of your spine and every little raised eyebrow, or smirk or words they utter twists that salient point ever so closer to your heart.
ahhh i digress i didn't mean to talk about figurative knives. let me go back to how powerful you feel when you brandish about that sword in your hand. have you ever trembled at the huge amount of responsiblity that weighs on you as you held it every so gingerly? every blunt stroke you make, every accidental trip up the carpet and you could send that unblunted knife sailing through the air perching on somebody's limbs. and yet you long to swing the knife about, curling the air with it as you revel in that new found power it gives but not daring to even harm a strand of hair with it... why? because we know the damage it causes. but we brandish it about nonetheless, hoping there was a stuffed punching bag right in front of us so we could put the knife to good use.
see this is what i mean by animalistic instincts. when was the first time you held a knife? did you tingle with anticipation and delight as you first glazed your hand over its polished side? did you recognise the power it bestowed on you just like that? how its neutrality gave you power over others.. how it distinguishes neither friend nor foe but allows you to use it to your desire? what if you went just a teeny bit over the line? what if you saw someone whom you absolutely hated to the raging core of your bone and it was dark and secluded at night. maybe you'd creep up and scare him a little with the knife.. that could be your first reaction.. no harm done you think.. a little threatening never hurt anyone. but then you got tempted and u think.. a little pointing and brandishing wouldn't hurt either, and you begin to point that evil instrument at your poor victim, whilst you enjoy the momentous delight you derive at seeing someone you hate shiver with fright.
would you go over the line? would you leave him with a playful scratch across the face before moving off or would you return realising the pleasure it gave and begin to slash your victim with it?
i believe there's a little degree of covetousness on our part, when our eyes gleam with imagination whenever we hold a knife in our hands. but we realise the potential of destruction it promises and we more often than not quickly put down the knife, eager to be done with its use for the day.
i think it's a matter of crossing that line. and it's a very thin line may i add? that flicker of cruel desires but we pull ourselves back in time to refrain us from doing anything we'd regret later. what draws us back? what differentiates us from those who ignore the nagging doubt and pierce through that thin line charging on to a point of no return.
u know as they say, there's a very fine line drawn between madness and sanity, and i tremble sometimes to think what if.. i'd done this, what if.. for a just a flicker of a moment, i'd pushed her over the balcony? what if.. what if.. i hope it scares the hell out of you.. because sometimes you just don't know when your going to break that fine line.
what's more mysterious is.. what keeps us from breaking it
i raised up the bitch flag at
9:31 p.m. Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004i know this is a little late to mourn for the passing of someone but i thought heck.. why not.
the excution of Kim Sun Il by Jamaat al-Tawhid and Jihad kidnappers well and truly shocked the world. and though i feel abject horror and anger towards such atrocities done all i can do is to write about it and pray that his soul would be laid to rest in the arms of his Lord.
it sickens me, their act of defiance and consternation and evil, their loss of compassion and all sense of human reasoning. they are minions, evil and vicious creatures. these kidnappers have no soul for they've sold their soul to the devil. and i teared for those hostages that they've killed. all i have is rising anger against these people and that lingering doubt in my mind questioning why why why did God let one of his die in such a humiliating and cruel manner?
i keep thinking about how his last moments could have been. his heart wrenched and knotted up terror stricken at his impending doom and desperately crying out for a miracle to save him. could i imagine his desperateness? no i can not. his fear is way beyond my ability to feel or even imagine. can you imagine him crying out and begging on his knees for his life? i don't want to die he says.. is one good man's life worth the pride and promise of one nation?
of course i understand that S Korea couldn't have agreed to the captors' demands, one saved life doesn't justify 3000 troops not being deployed into Iraq, and yet i just can't help but feel that the government could have done more, they could have at least bend over backwards to ensure the safety of one civilian.
so now one good man's life is taken away, extinguished like a flickering flame in the gathering storm. and i really wonder when all this will end.
all this sorrow and anger churning around inside me. why why has Man come down to this. is that all there is? war and pain and suffering and sorrow and antipathy and bitterness. why do people resort to senseless killings to preserve their religion. If there was a God.. he would not permit such abomination to be present on earth. and they killed for the mere sadistic delight at seeing another's pain and suffering and blood.
Heretics all of them. Renegades and saviours of Iraq my ass. so they think they'll be remembered as the preservers and patriots of their Nation; rebels with a cause? they'll only be the one thing that brings shame and dishonour to Iraq because people will look back at this in decades to come and feel repugnance and shame at this atrocity done in the name of their so called religion.
i asked my Lord why didn't he help. didn't the bible promise us that through valleys and shadows of darkness and death, he will shine a way out for us. It's so easy to trust in the Lord through good times, but when bad times come, it shakes our very foundation and understanding of God. and we ask the same question we ask all the time, why did God allow this happen Why did God allow sept 11th to occur.. all these questions and no answers.
if one day God takes away a beloved of mine before their time is up, i'd never allow in my heart to think that God has a bigger plan for me. what plan could he have for taking away someone dearest to me, to make me go through such pain and emotional torture with the fresh raw memories lingering everyday till the day i die. i'd be furious with Him, i'd fight his every will his every command, because his taken the things most precious to me.
it's so easy to say that God's ways are higher than ours. it's so easy to tell that to someone whose going through rage and bitterness while we stand as spectators and litter the way with cliched phrases and encouragements like these. i doubt they'd listen, in fact i'd think they'd give up their faith when dealt with a terrible blow like this.
ok that's enough.. i'm off to bathe i don't know why i bother blogging sometimes. i don't talk about the things i love anymore, i never rave about this one book i love so much, or the way jazz makes me feel, or the way the moon shines magically on earth.
i'm tired, i need a new style of writing and i'm still trying to find it. and if i don't.. and if i really lack inspiration to blog i might just stop once and for all.
i've hit a plateau here.. and the only way to go up is down
i raised up the bitch flag at
5:33 p.m. Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004i should have taken photos of that lump. it's disgusting. now that it's gone through the doctor's cruel and painful scissors it looks even more disgusting. he poked a hole through it so all the pus and goo could spurt out like a yellow egg foam fountain with me wincing to myself in the background.
YUCKS... it's grown so big that i have to go back tomorrow so that the doctor can cut away the skin that's left soaking wet bloody and flaccid and with no meaning in life except to get chopped away and get thrown into the dustbin. and now all that's left is this really really crimson red cavity left in the middle of it hidden behinds swaddles of bandages. the stupid little minion i can feel his prick every minute or two.. see now i'm on PAINKILLERS arghhhhh i am no DRUG TAKER i don't take drugs i very faithfuly follow the campaign of don't take drugs or you'll be hanged for life... literally. painkillers are nifty little drugs. they made you tink their doing you a favour by taking away that stupid insignificant pain you thought you couldn't bear but slowly you get addicted to them and you can't eat think or sleep or fantasize without popping that delicious sexual sensual creamy white jagged little pill into your mouth and go mmmmmmm.
and i cut my hair. FUCK I HATE IT... please tell me which one was nicer.. let me show you my arduous transition..
argh i hate my latest hairstyle.. what the fuck la arghhhhhhh. maybe i should grow my hair back
i raised up the bitch flag at
8:48 p.m. Tuesday, Jul. 06, 2004i guess my entry about the knife is way way overdue. yes i hope to churn out something from my sleep deprived cranium like butter from milk... hmm or is it milk from butter ahh but anyway i need to psyche myself up for this philosophical and emotional blog entry and right now i'm feeling the groove after checking out from my hotel just now so i have no mood to blog about anything serious.
two things to scream about:
1. i cut my hair. it's short as hell and i hate it. i really do. i prefer the first time i cut my hair and waxed it up.. this one is like oh my god i can't even look in the mirror without getting a nightmare.
2. i got a lump somewhere.... on my body..... you'll have to guess where.... it's gross and i'm not telling and i have to see a doctor tomorrow hoping he can operate on it. aww fuck. the things that happen to me these days.
i really don't understand why when i sit myself in front of the comp i just can't seem to blog about anything intimate and personal nowadays. i think about stuff i wanna share when i'm off gallivanting on the streets partying but when i come home and switch on the lights to type i simply just can't distill thoughts into pure fluid writing.
yesterday night was fun. was what i always wanted. u know stay up high watching the city skyline watching the day turn from white to blue to delicious candy pink then crimson red then purple then fade away into the blackness and watching the citylights slowly shine their way through the darkness winking and dancing. pan pacific didn't exactly have THAT great a view but i could see the river from my 17th storey hotel room. it was sparkling and magical. at 2am when some of em were sleeping under the covers i had this terrible urge to pull on a jacket and sneakers and run outta the hotel towards the esplanade and gaze at the stars and the lights.. those lovely pretty lights and the river and the esplanade. too bad i booked the room on a wkday, if only it were saturday the night would be peppered with people strolling along the roads, some going clubbing, late night suppers, lovers cuddling.. and you can see all these beautiful people enjoying what you love too.
but the streets were dead, and the coldness and blackness of it all made me shiver. how desolate and cold. suddenly i saw those beautiful iridiscent lights and it drove a stake through my heart. that boreal and joyless landscape, forsaken and bereft of any trace of mankind. it was so scary that thought, chilling winds and the blanket of night that sweeps away any sign of humanity you see on the street and suddenly that warm yellow light turns harsh glinting blue and you curl up high in the sky alone and safe away from that surreal world outside your window alone in the hotel bed and you think to yourself, what if i'm the only human being left in this world.
that turned my heart frigid cold. to view the world as a vacuous barren land. no one, just you and the sun and the moon to visit at intervals with nothing but lights and more lights to glaze over, lighting up nothing but the emptiness and desolation of the land.
that was really me against the world. and i was scared.
really.
have you ever thought of that? i don't know, i always do. it gives me this haunting transcendence of all being. i can be sure of nothing, of no existence except myself and yet i could also be the one dead, trapped in another realm while the rest of you carry on forgetting about me day by day. i told myself this a long time ago, if ever that day should come i'd sooner as take my own life than to be haunted to madness by this illusory world.. by the presence of nothing.
hmmm i don't know.. what do you think? it scares me now typing about this. i hope an apocaplyse doesn't happen in my lifetime
i raised up the bitch flag at
12:53 a.m. Monday, Jul. 05, 2004i just gave a very very very very VERY EXTREMELY NICE PRESENT TO SOMEBODY
MY GOD I"M SO GOOD... i'm simply amazing i'm so proud of myself like really.. she'll surely love it.. i mean who wouldn't like MONEY right?? and this one is like WRAPPED UP on a silver platter practically handed over to her in her wallet.
guess who i gave that present to??
yeah u guessed right.. she's the only person i'd give anything really good. i mean seriously why would i deprive her of anything.
yea... i applied for myself an atm card.. bestest present i could ever receive from myself.. all in the name of my 18th birthday.. u know.. coming of age kinda thing.
before u say chey.. i must tell you that this is an important milestone in my life. all my life i've watched my friends take the easy way out. no money.. withdraw.. and again and again and again. while me.. i have to deal with the agony of not having enough money to buy this or that. the trouble of taking my bank book all the way to a bank just to withdraw $30 more than kills my joy already. so yeah.. i figured that's the only way to curb my shopaholic-ness. and when everyone commented how stupid it was or how troublesome it was.. tempting me to go apply one since u know.. u dun need parents' approval i never budged an inch for like at least 3-4 years? yeah i'm pretty proud of that..
so now i've gotten myself a card. it's ma first card ever. not tt i'm finally gonna go on a killing spree and declare myself bankrupt tml but i just tot it'd be a good way to tell myself and to remind myself how i've came so far. 18 years isn't alot.. but exactly 9 years ago.. half my lifetime ago.. i was plagued by something so so big in my life you wouldn't have imagine having me around. i'd probably be much different right now if something didn't happen. and yes 18 years old time to grow up tt's wad they always say. i think it's a very significant year because it's double the 9 years. it's amazing. the air i breathe, every step i take.. i've been taking it for granted. i should thank God for putting that doctor there in my life when i was 9. if not i wouldn't be what i was today.
so yes it's really very poignant for me, and it is very very special and close to my heart. haha now i see how funny it is that i've marked this special year with a gift of an atm card to myself. but yeah.... just to u know, signify that i'm old enough, i'm mature enough to know my spending needs. to be self controlled, to not be self willed and self motivated. to manage my finances properly and be in control of my life. it's a very big step... all my friends would know since i've always been very set against getting my own atm card..hmmm so let's see what'll happen shall we? =)
cheers
i raised up the bitch flag at
4:16 p.m. Sunday, Jul. 04, 20041.618- divine proportions. elegantly wasted. jackass.
you are outtheremissing alright and i miss you like hell.
and to think you came back from the UK not telling me and surprising me with news like "uh.. darlin i'm attached"
thanks.
you have so astutely managed to make me miss you even more.
you always say you miss me, you'll call me. pish you always let me down.
and even now as we speak you have so divinely and purposefully made me pissed off with you.
1..
2..
3..
oh ok..... now you've successfully appeased me.
i don't know why i love you so much.
i raised up the bitch flag at
3:30 a.m. Sunday, Jul. 04, 2004i want to blog but i can't. i'm too sleepy. but i shall endeavor to update my blog. bear with me..
alrighty exams are over!!! hmmmmm that was rather slow but ya. after history test my girls and i went to sakae for a belated bday celebration and they treated me and gave me WUNNERFUL presents. btw ruomei if your reading this.. i'm using your present at this very moment.
i think i'm overwhelmed by too much food and people being so nice to me. friday had sakae, saturday.. which is today.. had a wedding dinner. tml is ANOTHER wedding dinner hmmm i'm wondering if i could re use the same dress haha but ya.... monday is y8uth gathering at Marche. my gosh i'll really just put on weight la alamak
so yes but hmm that's not what i wanted to blog about. i've always wanted to blog about the knife. i think i'm not telling enough but ya stay tuned. i think it would be quite interesting. we could have a debate about it.
i think manicures and pedicures are therapeutic. like seriously.. my first ever visit to a beauty salon was brought by my very own church leader how funky is that?
yeah i guess u prob know i went thru a very trying period last year and basically that sunday when i was just ranting in bitterness to her, she had this sudden inspiration to make me feel loved and to pamper myself. she suggested shaping my eyebrows..
boy it made me cry even more. yeah... shaping your eyebrows are painful, esp when it's your first time. but anw one thing i learnt is that it doesn't really matter how or what you wear or carry.. as long as it makes you feel happy. the entire world glows with you. same thing with pampering yourself once in a while with pedicures. somebody stood me up today which got me super fucking pissed. and you all know i'm very foul when i'm sleepy.. this idiot robbed me of my 3 hrs sleep and STOOD ME UP! NOBODY STANDS ME UP!!! ok er i can't believe i just said that but YAAAAAAA NOBODY!!!
WAHHHHHH i felt like i could reach out and grab my lower jaw and bloody bite into the table. RANT i did... thru smses!
-_-
tt wasn't enough i needed to scream and release the pent up hormones. u know all that rage and indignance just bubbling past boiling point and you turning urself blue then red then blue again just to keep it in? YES i needed to vent my anger on...
hence..
pedicures.
yes quite anti climax i know... quite bimbotic also... nowadays (by the way la) i find that i blog about silly things. tell me if that's good or maybe i could revert back to the old silly whimsical and that wannabe philophical me..
so yes.. "THE KNIFE"..
just stay tuned ya
i raised up the bitch flag at
8:53 p.m. Thursday, Jul. 01, 2004and i am giving up. if you've never heard the phrase "hell yeah i'm fucken giving up".. well now you have. personally and intimately coined by me. why can't they just make the maths paper 1 hour? i finished way before time really i'm such an utter genius and i sat there gloating at everybody whose heads were bent low trying to decipher stupid inane scribblings in black and white pretending they know how to do and insisting and persisting and PERSEVERING and...... getting the wrong answer.
yeah mann just be like me, finish way ahead of time, leave 90% of the questions blank and curse bloody HWA CHONG MATHS DEPARTMENT for giving us so much extra time to be depressed and sit staring at a blank white sheet.
i feel like screaming into a pillow. i love lilo and stitch. i'm not being irrelevant. there is a link between screamin into a pillow and loving lilo and stitch. go watch the movie and stop going "HUH".
it's the first time i heard my voice cracking into a high wicked shrill after the paper. i just feel like cracking my egg head against the wall and let the disgusting goo and slime stick on there before slowing sliming their way down to the floor.
NEVER MIND....... *BREATHE* tml is history....
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!
hmmmmmmmmmm ok ok calm down..... *BREATHE DEEPER* and collapse onto the floor hoping i'll wake up at 8.15am tml and laugh to myself for missing the test
i raised up the bitch flag at
7:15 p.m. Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004yupp today's my coming of age day.
hey shorty it's ma bday we're gonna party like it's ma bday hahaha what a way to spend it. hugging my econs text book to school and the trauma of taking an econs test. ah well today was rather placid but i'm so touched by so many people that stopped by to say Happy Birthday thank you for remembering and for remembering me =)
zhihong as usual surprised me with a very very large present. her artistic flair has finally been put to good use eh ;) ahah THANK YOU!! i nearly just cried la i didn't expect anything big today because of block tests and all but ahhhh no more cliched i love you's like
"things that lovers say and do.
i love you boo
i love you too
i love you alot
i love you even more"
girl your my babe forever i don't need to tell you you know it.
haha jason lewis and yan just came to my house to surprise me with a birthday cake. hai i feel so overwhelmed with joy why am i ranting that my friends dun spend enough time with me when i feel so loved. yan dearie dunno if you'll read this but yes it's been one hell of a ride and i hope it never ends muackz!
I thank you my Mr Big Guy for showering all your love on me through angels from above. here are some photosssssss =))
hong's present
tell me whose the original princess eh eh
me being happy
silly me pasted on the collage haha
whose that sexylicious babe!!
one last parting shot
